Doctors as ‘Board parents’

 

Doctors children have a statistically higher likelihood of turning into successful and productive members of the society. I am yet to come across an article, forget a study,  that describes the anguish of doctor parents before they launch their children in this so called successful orbit.

From the time man left the cave and started to live in civilised societies, family structure has varied greatly and in some ways been the same. Hunter became breadwinner and gatherer became homemaker in the current times. But Doctors are a different tribe. Doctor couple parents have seamless borders in both professional and homemaking departments. When the lady of the house is on duty the man fills in without hesitation. And when the man takes a sabbatical, the lady runs the family without anyone feeling the crunch. What transpires between these role reversals is one of those Ekta Kapoor's K series drama, but that is for another day.  

 Parenting is a full time job. So essentially we work 3 jobs at once.

 Doctor, Spouse and homemaker, Parent 

One spouse easily fills in for each other as much as sanity and strength in the sinews allows to keep the wheels of this 3 wheeler vehicle running smooth.

Doctors study diseases . Corollary to this should be that Doctors should be free of pathos. Our patients view us from this maxim. We need to be available for them as empathetic humanoid Doctors without need for food ,sleep or even pee breaks ALL the time.

We sign up  for love and friendship for eternity, not for internship rotation posting in each department for  6 months . But marriage lands us in one dull department of housekeeping, kitchen and transport for perpetuity.

Parents decide to have children , so they might as well work hard at it : think the children.

Self love- A new concept to keep ones happiness pot full to spread cheer around

We get no discount from any of the 3 bosses for the taxing jobs we keep. This self love just makes our guilt pot full.

Most doctor couples get by , face different challenges posed by our 3 bosses with the same bravado that we possessed when we showed up for our anatomy to surgery vivas. Just when we think we are getting better at steering this 3 wheeler smoothly the child turns teen.

Hormone and academics don’t mix well . We have gone through it, studied it and vowed that we will make it easy for our child. Society is watching us. Judging their succesful respectable peers . Can we replicate superior academic accolades  in our children? Giving into pressure is not our style. We just work harder.

Indian academic calendar from 10 standard board exams till getting into 1 year of college is so hectic that medical college rigors feel like a refreshing spa. Each year 10 lakh students answer board exams.

Lines blur, most of us are looking for a Chaurasia or a Cunningham of parenting teens 

Parents should be friendly not friends. Child will open up to friendly parents. What we end up is sharing  like friends and letting out information that can and will be used against us, when it hurts the most.

 When authoritative parenting becomes Authoritarian no one knows. Plus, giving up the authority, wisdom, and experience that comes with being a parent in order to be liked by your kids makes it difficult to raise healthy and competent kids

We come to a head when the choice needs to be made.

Choose the boss-career/housekeeping and spouse/child

   And no one has it all or gets it right. We just go through the motions. There are as many doctor couples who chose permissive parenting over authoritative parenting. Robert Frost to be quoted, “The road though as for that the passing there, had worn them really about the same.”

   Doctors put their careers on hold for the 2 + years and channel all their energies into cracking the academic behemoth. Some move closer to better institutes to maximize chances of better results while minimizing all avenues for adult sanity as distance from comfort zone and home increases. Self love is just a myth now. We relive our boards experience and are left wondering if it is worth it. All Doctors can vouch for peace and quiet only in their OPD or OT (in my case). We give it up in the name of Board Parenting. Child care leave granted for the government Doctors is diligently availed and utilised. Others  work around this too.” Take your child to work”, was our modus operandi.  

    Having done professional courses ourselves we set ourselves on the path of action replay, only this time 3 decades later. Late nights, long hours on the desk, mugs of Maggi and coffee indulgences all become part of the “accompany the child while he studies” regime. Our social circle expands to parents who have gone through this before. All help and every help is sought . Eat healthy, Exercise to keep mind sharp and look good when you eventually land in college, Drink lots of water are advice we dole out in copious amounts to be met with equivalent disgust from the exam going party. Internet and electronic device policing turns us from Amma Daddy to Fallen Angels  and finding nefarious activities from Doctors to Detectives. Spiritual , Grandparental , Psychiatric help buckles before the joys of world wide web for the child. All we have in defence of our excesses is the lame ,”you will know when you have a child of your own”     

   There are numerous helplines for children and career counselling. No one to address the angst of a Doctor parent who wants to just be good at all 3 jobs. When a Doctor parents child does well it is just a line in the news paper and a under –the- breath mumbling of the child at congratulatory events. If you read in between the lines there are tomes of unread pages of grit, grime , guilt. \

    This article is my tribute to all the Doctor couples before us and after us who choose this path of Board parenting. My heart goes out to all of us. We have run the 1000 days marathon , all the while saving lives, posting happy Facebook pictures and making memories sometimes too scared to share. My gratitude to the help that always streamed in when in a tight spot.

 

 

 

 

 

A Road trip & JEE results

Sajjangad- Swami Samarth Samadhi

 After a 1000 days of JEE penance we were granted a travel boon by Amol . Like all travel plans , we started big and to far off lands- USA-Ladakh-Sikkim-and finally landed up taking a road trip to Maharashtra . The wish granting Amol had a rider - the farthest point had to be 6 hours drive from Goa as the JEE penance was over but the fruits were yet to be reaped aka results were to be declared.

Adi and me were skeptical, hypercrtical and voiced our displeasure but Amol promised that this curated road trip would win us over. And boy! a mini paradise just 6 hours from home was found.

After the first day of Ganesh Chathurti welcome home lunch , we 3 joined by Shiva, with snacks stuffed to the boot sped off on Mariamma ( A white BMW christened JOY drove herself from the showroom into a tree-  so she became a blue BMW, now Mariamma) 

Amboli Dattatreya temple

We drove through Inuli ghat with a drizzle and reached Amboli before nightfall. Other than waterfalls( which we were stricly forbidden from entering by Amol) and annoying monkeys(1 even climbed over Mariamma and tried to get in through the sunroof for some chakna and proceeded onto loot another 3 cars under our watch) 

Monkey on Mariamma's sunroof @ Amboli

 Amboli has not much to offer. 20 years ago I have been gastrnomically traumatised by misal in Amboli. I wanted to turn things around this time . But only masala Maggi and anda Maggi was on offer ,and, this Maggi took a good 10 minutes to make. While waiting for the sous vide Maggi I found a leech on my leg. Though Amol insisted it was not a leech, and Adi snubbed me for wearing my shortest shorts, others sat up with legs folded on the chair, just in case. I gave out the ," this trip was a bad idea and I told you so "vibes. Amol desperate to please lit up a tissue paper bonfire in our Air B&B accommodation. A couple of gramable photos and rounds of playing Uno , we set out to check our first results of the night.

Tissue paper bonfire

NEET had put out their answer key and A had scored a decent score to get into GMC. We were pretty chuffed and went to bed hoping for similar results in JEE.

Early morning we set out for Kolhapur Mahalakshmi, only after a sumptuous brekie prepared by Adi and a dozen photos at the MahadevGad viewpoint.

Mahadevgad point -Amboli

 Kolhapur had so many sarvajanik Ganapatis and in such vibrant colours. We reached in time for a fuss free darshan and mahaprasad for lunch. And I had the first brush with the spicy food of this part of culinary world. It was more of a skirmish but I survived . I also concluded that their water is also spiced and made sure we gave a heads up to all the stays from here on, to keep the food bland. With this standing instruction food only singed the tongue but rest of the oropharynx and nasopharynx was spared. Shiva our MBA graduate pointed at how 'Kolhapur' is used and overused as a brand label. Kolhapur chai, K - bhel, K-mutton....K was prefixed to all and sundry. K was actually was a detour for us, I was too nervous about the JEE results( I am speaking for myself here because the boys hid their fears very well), so I thought paying obeisance to the divine mother of fortune will be a good sign before we check THE results. 

Kolhapur Mahalakshmi Temple

K-Ganapathi

Amol planned the sunset from Ajinkyatara fort. The climb was cobbled and steep. Lots of marathon runners scaled the fort with ease but our German engineered marvel was left grunting and groaning. When we finally reached the views were sublime, washed sepia with the setting sun but the anxiety about getting Mariamma down that murderous fort safely, did spoil the moment for all of us. But technology more than covers up goof ups by technology. We got some great photos and the smiles did hide our fears well. Sab Maya Hain.

Sunset @ Ajinkyatara fort

We reached Khaas plateau by night fall. Khaas plateau has been on my bucket list from the time Facebook has been influencing our holidays. Some hotel booking goof up landed us in this overpriced , understaffed shanty of an accommodation. Amol let off some steam by firing the person responsible but it was more out of the anxiety of what was to unfold that night on the computer screen.  A quick bite on that deserted plateau was made remotely bearable by Adi's ingenuity with food and Shiva's gift with people The weather also turned a bit weird and it started to rain adding misery to the musty rooms and 4 kindred JEEvathamas.

There was a chill in the air and in my spine. My finger tips were frozen. Adi and me decided to sit out on this one( while watching Koffee with Karan)  and asked Amol and Shiva to check the results in the other room. In a blink Amol was back and said the results were no good and Adi had scored 1 in the Maths section. The first reaction as expected, I started mouthing words of pseudo encouragement and said it would all be ok. But I could feel different parts of my body kind of collapse into a heap. while the head and neck was just about to cave in, Shiva stormed in and said that the option in Adi's paper and the answer key are in a different order and we have to match them to get the score. I picked myself up and slumped in front of the computer in the other room. Shiva and me began the count now by properly matching the options. We got a grand total of 4/60 in Math paper 1. Now IITB that set the paper had a qualifying criteria of minimum 10% in each subject including both paper 1&2 and a total aggregate of 35% . So we had to score 12/120  ie a minimum of 8/60 in paper 2. While I am bad at numbers I dont know how I computated this so fast. Under pressure my brains works to autodestruct faster. All the while, my logorrhea was if it was so bad for Adi it would be bad for all too. Paper physics and chemistry was ok and for paper 2 we decided to check math last. Manhoos Math. Math in paper 2 had 3 section. Adi had scored 8 in section 1, taking the total to 12 already. We did this mini jig that we have scored the qualifying marks. Section 2 was a -1. Words cant describe what cortisol and norepinephrine was doing to us. If I had been held at point blank range maybe this is what it would feel. Section 3 unfolded like the first 5 minutes of any bond movie. High octane scenes, many building and bridges razed to the ground but Mr Bond walks out hot in  his tux with small cut lip. Math totalled to 15/120 and JEE advanced score totaled to 138/360. . When I announced to Adi that we have qualified and we may still go to IIT he just had a blank stare. I think more in his sleep than out of shock . Senior  A just said we will go to BITS Pilani to do computer science. I slept soundly because my sympathetics had completely emptied and I felt nothing.

Next day my logorrhea continued. I kept asking A how was he so brave to go in for paper 2 when in paper 1 he scored only 4 in Math. He only asked for no further discussions on THE paper. Senior A drew his flow charts. I am yet to find some use for these flow charts but they are comforting for sure. Amol's flowchart always ends with a happy ending.

Flowers of Khaas

Not so Khaas , Khaas plateau flowers had still not bloomed. Like all things on FaceBook , reality looked like the Adhaar card photo. Most flowers I had seen on our Dabolim  plateau in our backyard. Shiva clicked some photos, Amol feigned enthusiasm, Adi surprisingly was unperturbed( he was still planning on best meal plans)

Khaas plateau

Thorseghar water fall was just as disappointing as Khaas but we had some of the best pics here.I think it was the law of averages working here.

Thousands of windmills, slowly moving, eerie up close but spectacular from far just like all things beautiful in life. Chalkewadi windmill farms drive was the highlight of this road trip  

We drove to Koyna dam through bad roads and worse emotions. But Koyna changed all that. We had this room with an eye level view of the dam, shimmering sun on the dammed waters(we couldn't capture its magnificence in a cam), food that didn't burn, bon fire by the night, early morning walk to the waterfall that Amol actually  let us in, A thousand pictures  by our really sweet guide who called rainbow "rambo" and birds "buds".

one of the 1000 waterfall pictures

Khaas was washed over with expectations while Koyna unexpectedly lifted our spirits. Expectations are always a bummer. Buddha and Vedas and Amol have been preaching it. But when did I listen to anybody.

Mariamma jostled for space with big trucks on big 4 laned dusty roads to take us to Panhala. Panhala was my first brush with Maratha history 15 years ago and the guide then made an impact with his passionate rendition of the Baji Prabhu Deshpande's valour ,it left me with goosebumps. Many Maratha forts later, Panhala remained my first M-fort love. This time the guide could speak only Marathi, and our only Marathi speaker Amol couldn't make  much of  it. He was mouthing Shivaji like Alia's Shiva in Bhramastra. When an experience is extraordinary never reattempt to recreate it. Also Shiva landed in fresh dung and before we found water to clean it , it started to rain and we did not even get a decent pic of my favourite character BPD.

Panhala fort

A hasty photo with BPD 

To make up, we saw Paavan Kind, the narrow gorge where BPD stood guard till the canon shots were fired, signaling Sivaji's safe arrival . Goosebumps were back again, partly with the ergonomics of the gorge and how brave he was, partly with the wildlife we encountered on the Amba Ghat. Thick fog where visibilty was zilch, an overzealous Maruti 800 who honked Mariamma down to overtake, a Gaur grazing in the wild who could take both of us down put together and no network meant we could be circling these Ghats forever.

Pavan Kind

Gaur- wild bison

By the last few photons of sunlight we did find our accommodation and network returned to bring us some cheer. Adi's coaching institute was asking names of students scoring above 140. Bar was dropped from 200. We all hugged and breathed a small sigh of relief. Rounds of snacks, Uno, Ludo, pandra rassa. bakri n mutton later Shiva and me again checked from the official answer key. But only Math. Why? IDK. It was tedious to match answers, disappointing to relive those horrible chapters like surface tension, collision, to give away marks to negatives because  Adi had marked 1 extra option correct in multiple correct questions etc. So our calculated total was unchanged at 138. Return of network brought in fellow students marks too.

See sawing emotions and a 4 hour pee holding, non stop drive belted us back to Goa in good time for Ganpati Visarjan. I prayed fervently to the good Lord to have Adi visit him next year Chaturthi from an IIT

Ganpati Visarjan

We headed back home and for the first time Adi matched his answers with the official answer key and with some bonus marks the score came to 142. Not all was lost, there still was hope. I attributed it to Boomer prostrating in front of our Gods while Adi was at it into the wee hours of the night. We had atleast made the cut off set by the coaching institute. The trip too exceeded expectations .

Post edit- 

September 11,Sunday 10am

JEE advanced results were to be declared. We were all plastered to our beds just hoping the moment would pass. Finally Amol’s breakfast bells in his stomach could not be ignored anymore and we all ate previous night’s Mohan’s leftovers. Adi and me quietly exited while Amol started to punch in the details to fetch the results. Shiva stayed on to help as always. I could hear Amol curse like Captain Haddock downstairs and then a loud cheer. Adi & me ran down the stairs together and Amol said we were CRL AIR 1734. His next words while hugging Adi was “WE ARE GOING TO IIT BOMBAY”

Our total went up to 150( 🙏 to K - Mahalakshmi, Ganba, boomer, hills of Satara)

IITB- 2022 JEE advanced paper setters had dropped qualifying marks to 4.4% & aggregate to 15.8% , it was historically the toughest paper till now and the marks vs ranks were skewed the most but Adi walked out of it like Mr. Bond dusting his tux, shaken not stirred, dapper as ever.

Modakam : JEE special edition

 I am part of a laterite house “ Modakam”in a coastal village in Goa.  When I was cut out of my quarry in Ratnagiri I was promised a young family with lots of love and laughter. And so the narrative begins

Characters of the play

• Lady of the house - impulsive, helicopter mom
• Man of the house- compulsive solution provider, the solid anchor 
• Child- Zen Admiral by birth , toyed with stick-string-stone and read books to breathe 
• Boomer - An adorable tux wearing cocker spaniel , Oxford’s PhD in cuteness who begged for a living   
• Smokey- An adopted pariah, who traded his brains for his grand tail. His brains being unused fetched a higher value, so God threw in a musk gland to make the deal smell sweet.
• Other characters will be introduced as the story progresses 

All grew up - adults as parents, child into an adult , Boomer begged better and Smokey stole stealthier. Days, seasons were filled with joyous dramas 

Timeline

•  2020- Boards - A word often uttered, decibels doubled . He always read books , in the bath and bed . Now he  read off a small hand held flattened brick ( from now on it will be referred to as f&ck, acronym of first and last 2 alphabets of the 2words, I am a stone ; I don’t swear). Glasses were fitted on the boy’s face. 
• Virus-Someone I could not see but always spoken of with fear. Virus visited and the boy stopped going to school but the adults just went on about their business. He used different forms of f&ck ,more and more , every waking minute that my laterite pores sweated. 
• Mock tests- The results of these only caused melodrama followed by grief in ALL. The first reaction was to blame the things one can’t change- Indian education system, entrance exams ,coaching institutes ineptitude, bad teachers, tough syllabus, futility of all things academic . What even a stone could see the six senses of the humans failed to pick up. 
• September 2021-A father’s instinct finally spotted the ripples . Sleeping during classes, dropping grades . The f&ck causing the ripples was finally found . The process of anger, denial and acceptance still reverberates in my pores. The gore was too much even for a stone. The Zen Admiral was tried and executed at the altar of madness. 

The Drama unfolds

The lady wore her Mom “psychotic cape” , “blinding anger” goggles, “whimper to all about son “mouthpiece” and re hitched the boy with an umbilical cord, cut 17 years ago.

The F&ck was to be used only under supervision. American Uncle Sam (Sanket in this case)set up parental controls . The lady positioned a chair next to the boy’s and attended all classes on the F&ck. She was his bench mate now. Inseparable in time, place & person; mom son duo were a hot mess  

Priest to psychiatrist, grandparents to grand aunts, all were consulted to rid off the evil F&ck. 

Boomer was bribed egregiously for his speed dial connections with God. Smokey too got his share for his underworld connections 

Help came from all quarters. 

Twice removed cousin shined the beacon of JEE hope. She was first responder for JEE SOS which included- JEE ref books, difficult chapters, difficulty in chapters, bad shit topics, do not attempt topics …. 

A senior colleague gave a new perspective to the problem. If an adult can't stay off these dopamine rewarding f*ck devices, how the hell do hormone mangled teens fight off this temptation. This help rid the guilt and self flagellation that the lady would lapse into at the drop of a hat. 

Every morning all huddled into a car and came back at sundown. At night they slept in a tight huddle and fought for headspace, bed space , blankets . All rooms were stacked with books. The kitchen rarely lighted up but they devoured books on the dining table. The cars complained that happy conversations were replaced by calculus, organic chemistry, rotation and collisions. The kilometers to hospital and back were filled with online classes and chemistry theory. Even the cars were exhausted. Every waking moment the boy was buried in his books. They kept saying “catching up”.

I am engineered by an IITian to be earthquake resistant upto 4 Richters , but resistance to JEE turmoil was not factored in.

Most days were gloomy. I waited for a new year and some new hope 

2022-Things began to turn around .Guitar breaks filled Modakam with music. Laughter haltingly seeped in. My pores heaved a huge sigh of relief . 

The lady signed up for the Zen order. Enlisted as a Zen cadet, she crawled her way up to Zen lieutenant. The ranks were earned by keeping calm in the storm of bad mock tests results,  not rushing the Zen Admiral’s food and bath deliberations, calculation errors costing negative marks. From “bare and bite “ she progressed to “Breathe and bear” mantra. 

.

Some light moments…

Boomer- His ability to dig his snout in the worst stink earned him the organic chemistry Professor position 

Smokey - never missed a catch. His mechanics and kinematic knowledge conferred the title of Physics Professor. 

Rabbits- The only animals who are good at maths in the Modakam Menagerie because they could   'multiply '. 

The boy offered his obeisance to the animal professors before mocks and exams for success  in the respective subjects

The boy scored a whooping 100 percentile in one exam and they attributed it to Smokey. The madness ran deep

Business models developed during dull days

1. Boomer dating services-Girls are few in engg colleges

Girls like dogs

Girls will bring treats for the dog. All biscuits above the Parle G genre will be equally shared between B & A

Boys walking dogs will instantly win girls attention and will lead to a conversation and maybe end in a date. The compensation will be paid by doing chores for Adi

Boomer with his bags packed, tux worn, sprayed his best stink and was ready to go to the hostel from the day the business model was discussed with him

2. Rahu & Ketu dosha relief services 

Feeding a black dog relives one of R& K doshas. We will liaison with the shelter houses and feed black dogs for a small convenience fee

3. Shani alias Sade sati relief services 

On the same lines as described above.

Feed black cows on Saturdays

 The only difference being all the plastic eating stray highway black cows now will now get good food 

4 Cute coins

A crypto currency similar to Bitcoins. The details have to be worked out as they still did not know how the system works.

Some poetic moments 

Late into a night , deep in the JEE merde the boy lilted, 

The paper is like my mind;

Empty and cluttered at the same time 

Some enlightening moments

If  help is asked; then you get what you ask for 

If help is perceived and then provided, then that help crushes the helped

 The concerned parents trying to help teenager and not knowing where to stop , churned these pearls of wisdom 

JEE joke

A Maths teacher who talks too much - hyperbola . Only JEE aspirants and their moms would find this funny 

Red carpet rolled out for Bleu Cordon- 

The hundred folds of a toque represent 100 ways to cook an egg -The only respite from books for the boy was his culinary skills with eggs. The fowl friends not tolerating this foul play with the poor kid, kept up the steady supply of eggs and the boy was on his way to the blue ribbon 

Most days were good but some days….

The F&ck raised it’s ugly head with every new update . Guilt and fury curry served no one good 

They studied for the wrong Board exam and. almost missed answering one. Frantic phone calls to unsuspecting friends to confirm exams timetable was really stupid even for a stone to watch

They overlooked mock tests dates and 1 day the boy answered 4 exams stretching straight to 12 hours in a 24 hour period-10:30an-1:30pm;2:30-5:30pm; 8-11pm ;11:30pm -2:30am. It felt like the Battlenight of Pavan Khind. The boy like Sardar Baji Prabhu Deshpande, fought the long lonely fight with the questions with his pentonic pen late into the night (Disclosure-no paid collaboration here). But he stood his ground and held fort and lived to tell the tale.

The man watched all “JEE” click bits . Study  Plans were drawn, redrawn , revised , readdressed . Bad English speaking super teachers dramatic vocalisations of “ Dear shstudents”  resounded in the Modakam- special JEE edition walls. 

The lady always searched for “ how to get better at calculus/conics/complex numbers and so on….” Quora feeds ran crazy

Neighbours , friends, villagers , fellow colleagues brought in pooja prasad and blessings for the boy and the family’s success in exams 

Time, patience, practice, prayers did bring in the results. 

I am a stone and have no feelings . The above narrative is a complete unmodified account as witnessed by a weathered wised up stone.

Yours truly,

Laterite row 19 ,NE wall

Modakam

Happy Father’s Day-Today n Everyday

 Amol was a week shy of 27 years when he became a Dad.Between a post Partum depression riddled wife and warring cross cultural grandparents Amol had to hold fort. And boy ! He trumped it by doing what he does best ie Nothing at all. His principle in life- this too shall pass. 

A 100 days later the still crazy wife wanted to join work , partly to keep the term of postgraduation and largely because she realised that oxytocin driven happiness of motherhood  is so overrated 

The result-

Our man, new Daddy had to ferry expressed breast milk across a river , hills and valleys (GMC -Mapusa)twice a day . I have stretch marks and a cesarean scar to show and collect parenting brownie points. Amol never complained or got compensated for this task. He made everything look so easy. I never once asked him how bad his combo parenting - postgraduation deal was, all the while unrelentingly complaining about mine. 

A year later we had to move cities to get further qualified with a toddler and a know nothing about homemaking us. Teething troubles ranged from apnoeic spells turning Adi cyanosed to green diarrhoea that lasted forever and a temperamental help, Amol kept us anchored - His bulk helping 

Besides the 2.5 year old, he had the 25 year old to nurture. My career dreams ignited , fanned and finally fired landed us in Trivandrum. My DM voyage in the ISRO city was like a missile.. too much heat, hype and hmmph but so worth it ( at least for me) I took off and Amol bore the brunt   He sang cartoon songs to get food into the preschooler , toilet trained him ,packed my tiffin in the mornings and thousands of things which I didn’t notice and now not remember . Along the way he became a nephrologist too.

Adi n Amol returned to Goa 18 months before I could. Amol now had a dual dad  role to play. A real dad and a dad who reports to the hypercritical hyperventilating mom . Probably the toughest . Amol hardly got any credit for this tough job 

I joined them and we lived and grew together as parents and partners like most . On most days I pull feminism card, mom card, “abla nari “ card to get things going at home. Amol has zilch in his arsenal. Just the good old solid Dad. He believes most things will sort out if we kept wet towels off the bed and put the shoes away. Such is the Daddy faith ha!

I even added pets ranging from bunnies, ducks (destroys all vegetation lovingly cultivated) turtle ( that eats all the fishes) fish ( that are added in vain hope) gate jumping dogs - (a motorised gate made useless) murderous rooster -(attacks all creatures moving)to our menagerie . I am the animal lover but our eccentric furry , feathered n finned creatures exasperate me but Amol plays a loving Dad to all creatures. Walk through the gates of Modakam and there is a Dad who will love you to the end of the earth 

Dads have traditionally evolved from grunts and shoulder nudges . And they don’t have hormones to stir up the parenting emotions And  yet in current times with changing social dynamics of career and home gender equality with no past examples Amol has done so well .

This Father’s Day , Amol, I want to sit up and take notice, complain less and appreciate more what a wonderful job you are doing 

My Malum Malus

 Malum malus transliterates to "forbidden fruit". Biblically the apple, in Modakam it is the Mango.

My love for mangoes runs in my genes, even my red blood cells in the mango season must be transforming from the red biconcave shaped discs to a beautiful mango hued and shaped discs

When we bought land to build our home, I envisioned more of a mango orchard than a brick n mortar thingy. But reality of high land prices and hence smaller land parcel, with the myth busted about gardening is relaxing, I secured place for 2 mango trees. On one of our road trips across the border when mango fruit laden trees arched over the highways, I wanted to make a small detour to buy a mango graft from Regional fruit research station 'https://dbskkv.org/Research/Research_Stations_&_Organogram.html'

The detour became a wild goose chase quickly , me intoxicated with the mango viusals failed to see my incensed husband. After going round in circles ( real men don't ask for directions) and Google maps giving up, we finally stopped a couple to ask for directions. They had no clue about this Trip advisor recommended 5 star rating research station. Amol had reached his tipping point and referred to me as a "bin dok" to the couple, who BTW later took the turn right across the creeper camouflaged  gate of the research station. Maybe he took the liberty because I don't know Marathi, or he was really tired after a day long drive , I was a woman scorned and hell no, I did not spare any fury on that journey. We did end up at the gates of the research station 3 minutes later and 5 minutes before it closed and bought 2 "mancurad" mango grafts .

Eager to make up, Amol signed up for ,"OK I will do anything to just end this misery". My mother in law always promoted Amol as the son with the green fingers. I thought it was time to get this fact checked. So 2 days after the "bin dok" incident, we were in our garden with the pick axe and shovel to plant our precarious procurement . Now when my in laws do things as a team they are a picture of love , respect for each other, harmony etc...one can even hear violins play in the background. My father in law will adjust, readjust, do, undo, and again adjust and readjust without a gruff at my mother in laws behest. Either I have not yet picked up the art of asking husband , or the "do not grudge the wife" gene did not get passed down from my father in law, I can't put my finger on our problem. From the moment the axe hit the ground, Amol must have not raked up as much earth as much he must have cursed me. I soldiered on bravely as I believe in we can settle scores later as long as task at hand is completed successfully.

I left the other sapling for another day of disagreement. My in laws eager to rescue their son, planted it without breaking a sweat and yes, with the fiddles playing in the background.

3 years later

cursed sapling- It grew haltingly, grudgingly, survived mouldy attacks                                                      rescued sapling - Grew rapidly green, Got uprooted one stormy night and could not be further rescued

5 years later

The research station and my internet research promised fruits of my labour in 5 years time. I had my eyes set on our tree, every year (what if mine was a plant prodigy and an early bloomer) from the first day I heard the cuckoo sing, signaling the mango flowering season to the onset of monsoon, end of fruiting season. Nothing happened.

 Old aunts asked us to threaten the plant . Apparently the plant will get scared and give fruits. But our plant was born into abuse.  Verbal and physical abuse(Adi made deep gashes on it's trunk to force it to fruit)  had no effect on it. Waving a burning torch only left 'burnol' degree burns on my palm but the tree stood its ground.

I tried to set it up against competition...our neighbour's plant, 2 years younger than you has flowered. What are you waiting for?

I tried emotional blackmailing...we will all get diabetic and cannot eat your fruits. What is even the point of your bounty then?

I tried the sibling love trick...Adi Bhaiya will go to college ...whom will you share your fruits with?

I am an Indian mother of a teenager. I stop at nothing 

saam daam dhand bhed.....

every trick tried

and lo behold 

early in the morning while chopping feed for my menagerie , I caught sight of  mango flowers filtering in the sunrays. An imaginary cuckoo sang gaily in the background for effect. The moment was ethereal. I ran inside the house to share this new discovery akin to Archimedes ( he ran naked, I ran in clothes covered in chicken shit).

I bang down the bathroom door with  excitement.

The "bin dok" moment returns

Amol answers with a thud. He slipped while getting the door. He barks a few expletives at me. My face falls. I called my mango tree the evil spawn

My mango tree is really cursed

From birth  to ground, from ground to flowering. Wonder what the fruits would bring ...Malum Mangus definitely. will follow it up with another m-log

2 decades into marriage gives us ample opportunities to rant, but I have always been proud of the variety of subjects we agree to disagree upon. Yin and Yang. Of curses and kisses.

malum mangus has set the 2022 prevalentine prelude ........hopefully hint enough 

Bin Dokly Yours

Mango Maniac "Manaivi"

Story of cycling and love

 Cycling is pure love at various levels-

love for the environment-reduces carbon footprint and all- Greta , the bully pulpit would approve

love for thyself-keeps one and ones heart shipshape

love for fresh air-still a reality in Goa

love for adventure-fixing punctures in machine and man keeps the adrenaline flowing

love mildly masochistic-why else do we sign up for 100kms cycling events

So this blog is about another well organised event by Xaxti riders. I did my maiden century with them a couple of years ago and this time they have outdone themselves in terms of participants, volunteers, route, arrangements, weather(wonder how they got that one so right with all the global warming...the nice nip in the air was so perfect ). Cycling perfectionistas

It would be safe to say this event is the Cycling Mecca for every cyclist. Cycling elixir

Like all pilgrimages we cyclists prepare, overprepare, and prepare till we can prepare no more. An adorable senior cyclist prepared an itinery which had first and second attempt poo provisions for  and variations thereof due to unearthly waking hours. After bike check, tyre check , light check, water check, 1 week prior practice cycling, 2 days prior mandatory rest days, hydration till bladder outer limits are tested, one last recheck tyres till it tires (nothing sucks more than a puncture unless fixing puncture is ones hobby...believe me I personally know puncturephiliac cyclists) we finally set out for the ride. Cycling prep paranoia

I had 3 centuries in my cycling CV. I even earned myself my Roadie -Moga for my past performances. She is a Polygon Roadie . Besides this I dont know much , much to the chagrin of machine loving male brain who constantly badger me about series, gear set, brakes, fork n what not. I know my cycle's soul and not some easily replaceable, materialistic external features. Moga ,I have got you together Girl. Cycling ignorance

At breakfast point ,which was 50 mts off the road I handed over my Moga to a random person who offered to care for her while I care for myself. I walked away gaily towards hot batata wadas. One bite into it and realisation washed over me . I had not even had a good look at the person. What if he was not even a voluteer. What if someone wanted to sabotage my race. A fellow cyclist teased me about a valet parking card ....When panic strikes reasing takes a backseat. Batata wadas notwithstanding I rushed back to find that the random stranger was indeed a well meaning volunteer. Cycling silly points 

In running and cycling , the older one gets the better they get at endurance. As I was a couple of years older from my first century , clearly I was the better rider this time. Just realised that the one who blew his 69 candles Bday cake was way older and hence way better than me. He is to cycling to what Gandhiji was to walking . While I struggled to crunch the last few kms, Mr Senior even had the generosity in his soul to give me gear changing and cadence advice , before pedalling away. Cycling Bonhomie .

The ride took us through the hilly forests of the Western Ghats. Towards completion , ie when the mind, body and soul gives up but the Kms are still formidable , villages are never ending . A particular Chandor place( at 80km mark) seemed to be the largest city in goa. A signboard that said 25 kms to finish city is such a lie because 30 minutes of gruelling pedalling later at the water point the volunteer says I am 27 kms from the finish line. When I start to throw a estrogenic tantrum a fellow cyclist lies cpmfortingly that I heard it wrong and it is only 17 kms ahead. Cycling Lies

Infact in this ride all had their cycling best stats...even me Cycling surprises

But Amol cycles for divine love (Divya means divine, for the uninitiated). He powers his rides by cursing me  and boy that works very well...100kms in sub 5 hours, supra 20kms/hour-Cycling Love 

Happy Valentines Honey

Adi comes of age

 Disclaimers

1. Amol and me are young and  first time parents. 

2 .Adi has always been a better child than we have been as parents.

Unlike most moms who gush over their child's milestones I have celebrated my "milestone"mom moments..........The first night I slept through in his infancy, the precise date from when toilet accidents stopped happening,the first Monday morning he stopped puking on my face after I stuffed him with idlis,  the first academic year school work was completed without my intervention, the first time that he made me a sandwich post a long day at work(I have outsourced so much of the cooking to him from then ).....the list could be endless because I have an elephants memory.

Cut to Act 2

If one thought being a teenager was bad : being a teenager's mom is the living eighth rung of hell...

Adi grew taller than me ( there was not much to catch up anyway).....He questioned our authority as parents(he is the better child anyway, but still)....His voice changed.....wisps of downy hair on the cheeks n chin surfaced....we disagreed about everything.....my baby who crowned mom the queen thinks I fly the quidditch now. My Google search engine showed "how to be better parent"," 5 mistakes in bringing up teens" with all the data that Mr Pichai promised not collect n process n sell to the ad world

My boy had come of age and I wanted to shout from the roof tops the rite of passage......mostly out of happiness 

 Our western parent peers celebrate Sweet 16 and Quinceanera, Bar/Bat Mitzvah by the Jewish .Closer home in the South India we celebrate the girls menarche as Manjal Neeratru Vizha in Tamil Nadu, Peddamanishi Pandaga in Andhra Pradesh, Nishanth Tarannum  in Karnataka.

We did not have any template for boys in our vast mixed culture marriage . Amol would cringe everytime I mentioned I wanted to celebrate my boy's Testosterone bonanza but eventually gave in with precondition that I will not post pictures on social media with embarassing titles

My Tamil family played along...My brother (mama-maternal uncle) painstakingly gathered  theme specific Seeru Varisai - (gifts from the maternal home) The Goan side explained to their FnF that it is an exotic tradition .  A professional barber was called for Adi's first facial hair trim. We had a moustache cake, 16 gift wrapped goodies.A  feast (mutton biryani, boiled eggs, fried fish, prawn curry, mori mutton) was laid out for FnF. Prevailing days of bird flu scare forced me to drop out Adi's fave - chicken. I did not want to compete with Mugabe but my boy simply loves his meat . Veg readers dont judge me. All this is legally,  socially allowed to be consumed in our current  right leaning times .

With this coming of age I hope to handhold ADi to cross the threshold of adolescence n become an adult mom. Responsible child he always was........

I am waiting for a couple of more milestones  ...the first time he will wake up in the morning without me waking the entire neighbourhood. ...the first when I dont have to tiptoe to catch him doing something. But hey I am  an Indian  mom . We never really cut off the umbilical cord. Do we? Should we?