Doctors as ‘Board parents’

 

Doctors children have a statistically higher likelihood of turning into successful and productive members of the society. I am yet to come across an article, forget a study,  that describes the anguish of doctor parents before they launch their children in this so called successful orbit.

From the time man left the cave and started to live in civilised societies, family structure has varied greatly and in some ways been the same. Hunter became breadwinner and gatherer became homemaker in the current times. But Doctors are a different tribe. Doctor couple parents have seamless borders in both professional and homemaking departments. When the lady of the house is on duty the man fills in without hesitation. And when the man takes a sabbatical, the lady runs the family without anyone feeling the crunch. What transpires between these role reversals is one of those Ekta Kapoor's K series drama, but that is for another day.  

 Parenting is a full time job. So essentially we work 3 jobs at once.

 Doctor, Spouse and homemaker, Parent 

One spouse easily fills in for each other as much as sanity and strength in the sinews allows to keep the wheels of this 3 wheeler vehicle running smooth.

Doctors study diseases . Corollary to this should be that Doctors should be free of pathos. Our patients view us from this maxim. We need to be available for them as empathetic humanoid Doctors without need for food ,sleep or even pee breaks ALL the time.

We sign up  for love and friendship for eternity, not for internship rotation posting in each department for  6 months . But marriage lands us in one dull department of housekeeping, kitchen and transport for perpetuity.

Parents decide to have children , so they might as well work hard at it : think the children.

Self love- A new concept to keep ones happiness pot full to spread cheer around

We get no discount from any of the 3 bosses for the taxing jobs we keep. This self love just makes our guilt pot full.

Most doctor couples get by , face different challenges posed by our 3 bosses with the same bravado that we possessed when we showed up for our anatomy to surgery vivas. Just when we think we are getting better at steering this 3 wheeler smoothly the child turns teen.

Hormone and academics don’t mix well . We have gone through it, studied it and vowed that we will make it easy for our child. Society is watching us. Judging their succesful respectable peers . Can we replicate superior academic accolades  in our children? Giving into pressure is not our style. We just work harder.

Indian academic calendar from 10 standard board exams till getting into 1 year of college is so hectic that medical college rigors feel like a refreshing spa. Each year 10 lakh students answer board exams.

Lines blur, most of us are looking for a Chaurasia or a Cunningham of parenting teens 

Parents should be friendly not friends. Child will open up to friendly parents. What we end up is sharing  like friends and letting out information that can and will be used against us, when it hurts the most.

 When authoritative parenting becomes Authoritarian no one knows. Plus, giving up the authority, wisdom, and experience that comes with being a parent in order to be liked by your kids makes it difficult to raise healthy and competent kids

We come to a head when the choice needs to be made.

Choose the boss-career/housekeeping and spouse/child

   And no one has it all or gets it right. We just go through the motions. There are as many doctor couples who chose permissive parenting over authoritative parenting. Robert Frost to be quoted, “The road though as for that the passing there, had worn them really about the same.”

   Doctors put their careers on hold for the 2 + years and channel all their energies into cracking the academic behemoth. Some move closer to better institutes to maximize chances of better results while minimizing all avenues for adult sanity as distance from comfort zone and home increases. Self love is just a myth now. We relive our boards experience and are left wondering if it is worth it. All Doctors can vouch for peace and quiet only in their OPD or OT (in my case). We give it up in the name of Board Parenting. Child care leave granted for the government Doctors is diligently availed and utilised. Others  work around this too.” Take your child to work”, was our modus operandi.  

    Having done professional courses ourselves we set ourselves on the path of action replay, only this time 3 decades later. Late nights, long hours on the desk, mugs of Maggi and coffee indulgences all become part of the “accompany the child while he studies” regime. Our social circle expands to parents who have gone through this before. All help and every help is sought . Eat healthy, Exercise to keep mind sharp and look good when you eventually land in college, Drink lots of water are advice we dole out in copious amounts to be met with equivalent disgust from the exam going party. Internet and electronic device policing turns us from Amma Daddy to Fallen Angels  and finding nefarious activities from Doctors to Detectives. Spiritual , Grandparental , Psychiatric help buckles before the joys of world wide web for the child. All we have in defence of our excesses is the lame ,”you will know when you have a child of your own”     

   There are numerous helplines for children and career counselling. No one to address the angst of a Doctor parent who wants to just be good at all 3 jobs. When a Doctor parents child does well it is just a line in the news paper and a under –the- breath mumbling of the child at congratulatory events. If you read in between the lines there are tomes of unread pages of grit, grime , guilt. \

    This article is my tribute to all the Doctor couples before us and after us who choose this path of Board parenting. My heart goes out to all of us. We have run the 1000 days marathon , all the while saving lives, posting happy Facebook pictures and making memories sometimes too scared to share. My gratitude to the help that always streamed in when in a tight spot.